Grief

Grief has a strange evolution. At times, it seems like it will never end or even fade. It makes the days pass slowly and painfully, excruciatingly dragging out moments of loneliness and regret until they themselves seem to last for days. But then, all of a sudden, years have gone past, and you look back and realise that you have inched your way out of the worst parts of grief.

I cannot believe that it has already been a full year and a half. And yes, I still feel like half an orphan many times during the course of a day. But I've come to accept it in a way that I was not able to in the months immediately after my father's death. There are times when I am smacked with the desire to talk to him, to ask him questions I know he would be able to answer. I continue to wish that I had gotten to know more about his life and what kind of person he was outside of simply being my father. And I still feel guilt that my life had more of my father in it than have my brother and sisters'; I don't think I will ever be able to stop regretting that my youngest sister will have no virtually memory of my father, nor he of her. But I no longer mourn the conversations I never had but should have. For one, I would drive myself crazy that way, and the pragmatic part of me has finally made itself heard and told me that if I had all the conversations I wanted to with all the people who warranted them, I would neither sleep, eat, nor do anything else. Perhaps there were some things I was just not meant to know.

And I cannot help but perversely note that, in some ways, I am closer to my father than I was when he was still alive. I realize now just how fortunate I am to have a loving family and what a difference it has made in my life. I am more determined than ever to do what would make my father proud. His death has allowed me to more fully appreciate and understand ideals like humility, patience, fraility and basic human pride; and while being grateful for that may seem inexcusably selfish, I can only hope that someday, I am able to do the same for someone else. And it reassures me that even as we leave this earth, our last moment can be of value.

And so I don't think I am completely over my grief, nor do I believe I ever will be. But it has morphed into something different than it once was. I still grieve, but with that grieving comes a sincere gratefulness for what I had, even if it did not last as long as I might have liked.